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SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:31693
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#164943 2 years, 2 months ago
A man went to visit a local farm. While he was there, he noticed a hog with only 3 legs. He asked the farmer, “Why does that hog have only 3 legs?”. The farmer smiled broadly and said “That’s my favorite of all of the animals here. When my house was burning down, he squealed and squealed until I woke up and got out. That hog saved my life, he's my hero!” The visitor was very impressed, and said “So did he lose the leg in the fire?”. “Oh no, that’s not it, he was fine after the rescue” replied the farmer, “But you can’t eat a good hog like that all at once!!”.
The following user(s) said Thank You: funky420
SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:31693
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186086 2 years, 1 month ago
The following user(s) said Thank You: funky420, strangerinboulder
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186087 2 years, 1 month ago
A drunk Newfie was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.

"You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.

The Newfie, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a beer that will never run out."
A bottle appears in front of the Newfie. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The Newfie being very content starts walking away.

"Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!"

"Well," replies the Newfie, "Give me TWO more of these!"
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
The following user(s) said Thank You: funky420
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186088 2 years, 1 month ago
A Newfie buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.


After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and phones a vet for help.


The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.


The newfie farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep
are pregnant.



The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie
down, and wallow in the grass, when they are pregnant.


The newfie hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.


Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads
them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure,
brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.


"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them
out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home, falls
knackered into bed.


The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of
the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No,"she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping
the horn."
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186090 2 years, 1 month ago
A Redneck passed away and left his entire
estate to his beloved widow . . .

but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're
staying in a Redneck motel?

When you call the front desk and say,

I gotta leak in my sink, and the

clerk replies, 'Go ahead'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum

drinking age for Rednecks to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol

out of the high schools.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a

Redneck murder:

1) The DNA is all the same

2) There are no dental records





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who invented the toothbrush ?

A Redneck.

(If it had been invented by anyone else,

it would have been a teeth brush)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new Redneck law was just recently passed

When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down ?

'Yep.. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16

and says to the driver, 'Got any! I.D. ? ' .

and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186097 2 years, 1 month ago
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona
when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked
the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.


Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently
at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a
brown bag
on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.


Sally looked down at the brown bag and said,
"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."


The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:



"Good trade....."
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186098 2 years, 1 month ago
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
- 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
- 'An ambulance just drove by!'
- 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'
- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
- 'Jason is on his skate board!'
- After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186099 2 years, 1 month ago
A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas
> ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to
> inspect your ranch for your water allocation.
>
> The old rancher says, Okay, but don't go in that field over there.
>
> The Water representative says, Mister, I have the authority of the
> Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am
> allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions
> asked or answered.
>
> Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?
>
> The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
>
> Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep
> running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull
> is gaining with every step.
>
> The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws
> down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his
> lungs........
> Your card! Show him your card!
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186101 2 years, 1 month ago
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God,
are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

*
*
*
*
*
*
*



She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186103 2 years, 1 month ago
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in
Miami . As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the
women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back
to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but
returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things
than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to
play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his
mother:

"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer
he talks, the dumber he gets."
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186107 2 years, 1 month ago
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 Years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there but just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation so he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her boobs. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and again has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,

"All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186108 2 years, 1 month ago
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the
> > superior culture.
> >
> > The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
> > The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"
> > The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians"
> > The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire"
> >
> > And so on and so on and then the Greek says: "We invented sex"
> >
> > The Italian says: "That is true, but it was the Italians who
> > introduced it to women"
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
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