Some good advice in this one too. So you get a good laugh and some helpful hints, all for the same unbelievably low price.

This makes me crack up every time I see it! Thanks for the laugh!

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon,
suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone

and demanded: "Where the hell are you?!!"

Husband: "Darling do you remember that jewelery shop where you saw that
diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it?"
"I didn't have any money at the time and I said "Baby it'll be yours one day".

Wife, with a smile blushing: "Yes, I remember that my Love".


Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop…."

An older guy is out on a golf course, by himself, early one Tuesday morning.
He's already finished four holes, and he's pretty happy and hitting the ball well.
Gets to the 5th tee, tees it up and lets it fly.
Straight down the middle of the fairway, pretty long for a guy his age.
Picks up his bag, and starts walking down the fairway.
He's just about to get to where his ball landed when he hears:

"Psst."

It kinda freaks him out, since there's nobody out on the course and he hasn't seen anybody since he left the clubhouse.
He looks around, sees nothing. Shrugs it off, and continues towards his ball.
Takes a couple of steps, and, again he hears:

"Psssst".

Stops. Really looks around this time.
Over to his left, just off the fairway, is a pond.
In the pond, on a lily pad, is a frog.

Guy says to the frog:
"Did you just say something?"

Frog says:
"Yeah. Come over here."

Guy walks over to the Frog, says "Yeah, what? What do you want?"

Frog says:
"Listen. Pick me up. Turn me over and rub my stomach and I'll turn into a beautiful woman. I'll make wild, passionate love to you all day long".

The guy picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket and starts heading back down the fairway.
He gets a few steps, and the Frog says: "Hey!"
The guy takes the Frog out of his pocket and says "What?"

Frog says:
"I told you to turn me over, rub my stomach and I'll turn into a woman the likes of which you've never seen and I'll really give you a thrill. Trust me on this."

The guy puts the Frog back into his pocket, and starts walking again.

Frog again yells: "HEY!!"
Guy takes the Frog out of his pocket, again, and snaps back: "WHAT?!"

Frog: "Did you hear me?"

Guy: "Yeah -- I heard you."

Frog: "Well?"

Guy says, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking Frog"

whats the warmest organ in a dead girl's body?




my cock!






whats the worst part about camping with children?




the long, lonely drive home




whats round and rhymes with snoop?





dr dre!






whats the worst part about underage sex?





cleaning the blood out of the clown suit when you're done







what do you get when you cut a dead baby with a straight razor?






an erection!

^^^Ick.

Try this instead:

Bob & Jerry Jokes

Where's the best place to hide money from a wookie?


Under the soap.





What do you call 50 hippies sky diving at the same time?


Acid rain.







What body part gets mentioned most often when soking weed?

Ear.







What does Pabst Blue Ribbon have in common with having sex in a canoe?

Either way its fu*king damn near water!

Ok, here's one I made up:

Why did the lesbian have to flip a coin?

Because Melissa Etheridge and the Indigo Girls were both in town the same night.

A pony walks in to a bar and says: "AH-Hem! Excuse me I'm a little horse."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "does this taste funny to you"?

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?




Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in tents.