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83msg1sttyme
Platinum Boarder
Posts:5732

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104288 2 years, 8 months ago
whats grosser than gross?
finding a used condom at the bottom of a mayo jar
If i told ya all that went down,it would burn off both your ears
captaintony
Platinum Boarder
Posts:3691

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104290 2 years, 8 months ago
83msg1sttyme wrote:
whats grosser than gross?
finding a used condom at the bottom of a mayo jar


now, that's nasty.
captaintony
Platinum Boarder
Posts:3691

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104292 2 years, 8 months ago
What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?

The captains log.
The following user(s) said Thank You: scar1et_f1re
83msg1sttyme
Platinum Boarder
Posts:5732

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104293 2 years, 8 months ago
the teacher told all the kids to bring in something for show and tell .well little johnny said "im gonna bring in my turtle" next day teacher asks johnny wheres the turtle .johnny replies" while coming to school i dropped him and a car ran over his ass "the teacher told johnny "we dont say ass we say rectum" to which johnny said "rectum? it fucking killed him"

well thats it for me folks dont forget to tip the staff and try the veal i hear its great ,ya dont have to go home but ya cant stay here
If i told ya all that went down,it would burn off both your ears
Last Edit: 2 years, 8 months ago by 83msg1sttyme.
The following user(s) said Thank You: captaintony
captaintony
Platinum Boarder
Posts:3691

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104296 2 years, 8 months ago
83msg1sttyme wrote:
the teacher told all the kids to bring in something for show and tell .well little johnny said "im gonna bring in my turtle" next day teacher asks johnny wheres the turtle .johnny replies" while coming to school i dropped him and a car ran over his ass "the teacher told johnny "we dont say ass we say rectum" to which johnny said "rectum? it fucking killed him"

well thats it for me folks dont forget to tip the staff and try the veal i hear its great ,ya dont have to go home but ya cant stay here


hey. where ya all from? Toledo, huh? Newlyweds? Give em round of applause. Kudos to the chef tonight folks, the veal is to die for. Next up is a beer drinking, chain smoking monkey from Kalamazoo.
83msg1sttyme
Platinum Boarder
Posts:5732

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104300 2 years, 8 months ago
damm i hope somebody tapes that and puts it on youtube i got to head out to bed nite all
If i told ya all that went down,it would burn off both your ears
SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:31831
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104371 2 years, 8 months ago
Just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
The following user(s) said Thank You: amusingdeva
skidoo
Gold Boarder
Posts:922
skidoo, skidoo.....ski-doo doo doodlie doo doo doo

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104378 2 years, 8 months ago
SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:31831
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104380 2 years, 8 months ago
skidoo wrote:

Handy! But I like this one, you get both a rim shot and a face palm, and it's Trek-related!

scar1et_f1re
Platinum Boarder
Posts:4900
R U Kind?

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104387 2 years, 8 months ago
SunshineSue wrote:
skidoo wrote:

Handy! But I like this one, you get both a rim shot and a face palm, and it's Trek-related!



Sorry Sue, it ain't star trek if it don't star that guy from Priceline. You know, the negotiator.

------

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car."

"The sand is everything else--the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children.Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
FFF! Family is Forever!!!

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
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83msg1sttyme
Platinum Boarder
Posts:5732

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104398 2 years, 8 months ago
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
If i told ya all that went down,it would burn off both your ears
The following user(s) said Thank You: scar1et_f1re
83msg1sttyme
Platinum Boarder
Posts:5732

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104407 2 years, 8 months ago
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp
If i told ya all that went down,it would burn off both your ears
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