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captaintony
Platinum Boarder
Posts:3691

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#230811 1 year, 8 months ago
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
AcidTestGraduate
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1533

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#231416 1 year, 8 months ago
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gvanman
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1532

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#231439 1 year, 8 months ago
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
Little Bear
Gold Boarder
Posts:1079
...they probably take care of themselves

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#232597 1 year, 8 months ago
There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.

Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"

To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."

Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"

"No, but it stops me from licking them!"
~God bless the Hampton Inn~ ~And You~
SugarMee
Expert Boarder
Posts:736
hay

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#232625 1 year, 8 months ago
There's 3 types of people in the world.
Those who are good at math, and those who aren't.
SugarMee
Expert Boarder
Posts:736
hay

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#232674 1 year, 8 months ago
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LBDowling
Expert Boarder
Posts:661
We must become ourselves before someone else does

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#238227 1 year, 7 months ago
Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda-pressing.


What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller


Sorry.
Someday, everything's gonna be diff'rent... when I paint my masterpiece
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jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1506

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#238239 1 year, 7 months ago
At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Silverstein, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"


The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him."
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
Iriecycle
Expert Boarder
Posts:698
AND LEAVE IT ON!!!!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#238331 1 year, 7 months ago
The Queen Mother, George W. Bush, a Priest, and a child are passengers aboard a plane that is losing altitude. There are only three parachutes. The QM says, "For England." Slips on a parachute and jumps out. W grabs a pack, says, "I'm the smartest man in the world . . ." and jumps. The priest says , "You have many years of life ahead, you take the last chute." The child responds, "Well, the smartest man in the world grabbed my backpack."
I Am You, As You Are Me, As We Are One, and We Are All Together.
funky420
Platinum Boarder
Posts:3278
If you stumble, make it part of the dance.

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#241520 1 year, 7 months ago
An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to
last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was
concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor
for advice.
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last
longer
during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't
do
it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck
over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew
closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not
wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut
and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck
rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.
The voices tell me what to say
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AcidTestGraduate
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1533

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#241531 1 year, 7 months ago
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AcidTestGraduate
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1533

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#241534 1 year, 7 months ago
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