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jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1253

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186098 1 year, 8 months ago
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
- 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
- 'An ambulance just drove by!'
- 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'
- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
- 'Jason is on his skate board!'
- After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1253

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186099 1 year, 8 months ago
A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas
> ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to
> inspect your ranch for your water allocation.
>
> The old rancher says, Okay, but don't go in that field over there.
>
> The Water representative says, Mister, I have the authority of the
> Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am
> allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions
> asked or answered.
>
> Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?
>
> The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
>
> Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep
> running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull
> is gaining with every step.
>
> The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws
> down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his
> lungs........
> Your card! Show him your card!
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1253

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186101 1 year, 8 months ago
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God,
are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

*
*
*
*
*
*
*



She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1253

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186103 1 year, 8 months ago
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in
Miami . As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the
women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back
to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but
returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things
than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to
play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his
mother:

"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer
he talks, the dumber he gets."
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1253

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186107 1 year, 8 months ago
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 Years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there but just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation so he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her boobs. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and again has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,

"All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1253

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186108 1 year, 8 months ago
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the
> > superior culture.
> >
> > The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
> > The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"
> > The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians"
> > The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire"
> >
> > And so on and so on and then the Greek says: "We invented sex"
> >
> > The Italian says: "That is true, but it was the Italians who
> > introduced it to women"
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1253

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186110 1 year, 8 months ago
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
>stop staring at her.
>
>She asks him why he is staring.
>
>He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
>
>She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
>have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
>about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
>would find offensive."
>
>"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
>
>She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
>#1, you have to be single and
>#2, you must be Catholic."
>
>The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
>
>"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
>
>The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
>But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
>
>"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
>
>"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm
>Jewish."
>
>The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
>party."
>
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
The following user(s) said Thank You: kevin
Gr8fullBear
Junior Boarder
Posts:116

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186191 1 year, 8 months ago
A blond is driving a '67 Beetle. Seeing another '60s model Beetle on the side of the road with the driver standing in front of the car looking under the hood she pulls over and asks if he needs any help. "Yes", he replies," it seems someone took my engine." "No problem" she replies, "I have a spare in the trunk."
Gr8fullBear
Junior Boarder
Posts:116

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186193 1 year, 8 months ago
What does Natural Lite have in common with having sex in a canoe?
Either way it's fuckin damn near water!
scar1et_f1re
Platinum Boarder
Posts:4898
R U Kind?

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#187936 1 year, 7 months ago
A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last one in the and does the same. The bartender asks him, "Why did you do that?" And the guy replies, " Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!"


a-guy-walks-into-a-bar.jpg
FFF! Family is Forever!!!

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
The following user(s) said Thank You: SunshineSue
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