• You are here
  • Forum Header
  • Topics not covered in other forums.
Iriecycle
Expert Boarder
Posts:699
AND LEAVE IT ON!!!!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#114408 2 years, 9 months ago
Mama polar bear and baby polar bear are out across the tundra, far from their lair. The wind and blowing ice are relentless, they're diving for seals to warm up. Junior turns from the wind, wanting to go home, Mama sez, "You're gonna have to talk to your Papa when we get home." Upon arrival home Mama sends him to Pops. "What's up junior?" jr.- "Well Mom and I we were out on the ice, ya'know, winds blowin. . ." pops- "Yeah?" jr.- "Well Dad, I'm fucking freezing."
I Am You, As You Are Me, As We Are One, and We Are All Together.
scar1et_f1re
Platinum Boarder
Posts:4900
R U Kind?

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#116160 2 years, 8 months ago
Why couldn't the search party find the missing hippie?
He was outta sight, man!

--

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
FFF! Family is Forever!!!

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
The following user(s) said Thank You: alilfurther
scar1et_f1re
Platinum Boarder
Posts:4900
R U Kind?

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#116165 2 years, 8 months ago
How about a riddles?


There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...answer is at the bottom of the page........

-----

Only In America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

---

Answer to the riddle above:

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
FFF! Family is Forever!!!

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
The following user(s) said Thank You: kevin
amusingdeva
Platinum Boarder
Posts:2254

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#118170 2 years, 8 months ago
In honor of festie season soon approaching...

www.collegehumor.com/article/6051970/eve...l-youve-ever-been-to
The following user(s) said Thank You: 83msg1sttyme
scar1et_f1re
Platinum Boarder
Posts:4900
R U Kind?

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#120320 2 years, 8 months ago
A great Prank (video)



Some George Carlin:

My favorite:

” ‘get on the plane, get on the plane’ I say FUCK YOU! I’m getting IN the plane! IN the plane!”


Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

In the Bullshit Department, a businessman can’t hold a candle to a clergyman. ‘Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks. When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told.
Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man — living in the sky — who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!
But He loves you.
He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!
George Carlin Politically Incorrect, May 29, 1997

And a clip of the man himself. At 2:30he mentions deadheads. !
FFF! Family is Forever!!!

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
scar1et_f1re
Platinum Boarder
Posts:4900
R U Kind?

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#120480 2 years, 8 months ago
40.jpg


A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above:,
She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,

"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice
big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every
week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I
don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Forty," she replied
FFF! Family is Forever!!!

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
The following user(s) said Thank You: alilfurther, Little Bear
SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:32333
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#138863 2 years, 6 months ago
George Lucas didn't tell the whole story: intergalactic war is hell!!!

Tom Banjo
Visitor

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#138870 2 years, 6 months ago
So this guy died and went to heaven where He Met the Arch Angel St. Peter who took him on a tour of heaven. They came to a huge mansion that overlooked a nice hill. The mansion was trimmed with gold and silver. St. Pete says, "That is where Elvis stays in heaven." Continuing furthur in to heaven they come upon an even bigger mansion trimmed with jewels and gold and silver. It sat upon an even higher hill. "Wow, who lives there?" asked the dude. St. Peter said, this is where John Lennon lives. Then they came upon the grandest of homes of all. It was trimmed with gold & silver and gems of all kinds. On the front entrance stood a Steal Your Face. There was Grateful Dead music playing inside and smoke coming out the door. The dude turns to St. Peter and asks, "So why does Garcia get to live in the best place in all of heaven?" St. Peter turns to the dude and says, "That's NOT Garcia's home.... this home belongs to GOD!"
(~)
Last Edit: 2 years, 6 months ago by .
scar1et_f1re
Platinum Boarder
Posts:4900
R U Kind?

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#142623 2 years, 6 months ago
A driver is pulled over by a policeman.

Man: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Man: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Man: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: She's in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The man steps out of his vehicle.

Man: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing bar an empty boot.

Officer2: Is this your car sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, raped and murdered the owner.

Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
FFF! Family is Forever!!!

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
The following user(s) said Thank You: 83msg1sttyme, funky420
SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:32333
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#151876 2 years, 5 months ago
The following user(s) said Thank You: Chester, funky420, scar1et_f1re
Time to create page: 0.45 seconds