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SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:30881
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104371 2 years, 7 months ago
Just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
The following user(s) said Thank You: amusingdeva
skidoo
Gold Boarder
Posts:915
skidoo, skidoo.....ski-doo doo doodlie doo doo doo

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104378 2 years, 7 months ago
SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:30881
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104380 2 years, 7 months ago
skidoo wrote:

Handy! But I like this one, you get both a rim shot and a face palm, and it's Trek-related!

scar1et_f1re
Platinum Boarder
Posts:4900
R U Kind?

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104387 2 years, 7 months ago
SunshineSue wrote:
skidoo wrote:

Handy! But I like this one, you get both a rim shot and a face palm, and it's Trek-related!



Sorry Sue, it ain't star trek if it don't star that guy from Priceline. You know, the negotiator.

------

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car."

"The sand is everything else--the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children.Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
FFF! Family is Forever!!!

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
The following user(s) said Thank You: fourwnds
83msg1sttyme
Platinum Boarder
Posts:5732

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104398 2 years, 7 months ago
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
If i told ya all that went down,it would burn off both your ears
The following user(s) said Thank You: scar1et_f1re
83msg1sttyme
Platinum Boarder
Posts:5732

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104407 2 years, 7 months ago
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp
If i told ya all that went down,it would burn off both your ears
The following user(s) said Thank You: SunshineSue
scar1et_f1re
Platinum Boarder
Posts:4900
R U Kind?

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104473 2 years, 7 months ago


Some good advice in this one too. So you get a good laugh and some helpful hints, all for the same unbelievably low price.
FFF! Family is Forever!!!

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
The following user(s) said Thank You: amusingdeva
amusingdeva
Platinum Boarder
Posts:2234

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104519 2 years, 7 months ago
This makes me crack up every time I see it! Thanks for the laugh!
will work for doses
Senior Boarder
Posts:539
I am Lobar speaking to you from the future

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#107275 2 years, 6 months ago
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon,
suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone

and demanded: "Where the hell are you?!!"

Husband: "Darling do you remember that jewelery shop where you saw that
diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it?"
"I didn't have any money at the time and I said "Baby it'll be yours one day".

Wife, with a smile blushing: "Yes, I remember that my Love".


Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop…."
SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:30881
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#110706 2 years, 6 months ago
An older guy is out on a golf course, by himself, early one Tuesday morning.
He's already finished four holes, and he's pretty happy and hitting the ball well.
Gets to the 5th tee, tees it up and lets it fly.
Straight down the middle of the fairway, pretty long for a guy his age.
Picks up his bag, and starts walking down the fairway.
He's just about to get to where his ball landed when he hears:

"Psst."

It kinda freaks him out, since there's nobody out on the course and he hasn't seen anybody since he left the clubhouse.
He looks around, sees nothing. Shrugs it off, and continues towards his ball.
Takes a couple of steps, and, again he hears:

"Psssst".

Stops. Really looks around this time.
Over to his left, just off the fairway, is a pond.
In the pond, on a lily pad, is a frog.

Guy says to the frog:
"Did you just say something?"

Frog says:
"Yeah. Come over here."

Guy walks over to the Frog, says "Yeah, what? What do you want?"

Frog says:
"Listen. Pick me up. Turn me over and rub my stomach and I'll turn into a beautiful woman. I'll make wild, passionate love to you all day long".

The guy picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket and starts heading back down the fairway.
He gets a few steps, and the Frog says: "Hey!"
The guy takes the Frog out of his pocket and says "What?"

Frog says:
"I told you to turn me over, rub my stomach and I'll turn into a woman the likes of which you've never seen and I'll really give you a thrill. Trust me on this."

The guy puts the Frog back into his pocket, and starts walking again.

Frog again yells: "HEY!!"
Guy takes the Frog out of his pocket, again, and snaps back: "WHAT?!"

Frog: "Did you hear me?"

Guy: "Yeah -- I heard you."

Frog: "Well?"

Guy says, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking Frog"
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