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jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1526

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#304170 8 months, 4 weeks ago
There was this couple that had been married for 20
years. Every
time they made love the husband always insisted on
shutting off the light.

Well,after 20 years the wife felt this was
ridiculous. She figures
she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one
night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session,
she turned on the lights.
She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated
leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent
bastard," She screamed at him,
"how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain
yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says
calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
The following user(s) said Thank You: AcidTestGraduate
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1526

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#304172 8 months, 4 weeks ago
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "You going to tell him, or should I...
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
The following user(s) said Thank You: AcidTestGraduate
AcidTestGraduate
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1556

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#304216 8 months, 3 weeks ago
Justin Bieber saved my life!

Recently I was in the hospital after having been in a horrific auto accident. I was in a coma for three months.
One day the nurse turned on the radio, and there was a Bieber song playing. So I got up and turned it off.
The following user(s) said Thank You: jaredlang
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1526

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#316731 7 months ago
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1526

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#316732 7 months ago
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1526

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#319769 6 months, 2 weeks ago
How do you manage to get fired on the first day in a Winnie the Pooh costume?

By putting on your costume pants backwards!



image001poo.jpg
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
The following user(s) said Thank You: SunshineSue
SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:32333
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#324044 5 months, 2 weeks ago
The truth hurts!!


funnybirthdaycard.jpg
The following user(s) said Thank You: Chester, pink11
Chester
Moderator
Posts:33881
More or less in line

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#325576 5 months ago
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers here".
A time traveler walks into a bar.....
I can't come down, it's plain to see.
I can't come down, I've been set free.
Who you are, and what you do,
don't make no difference to me.
The following user(s) said Thank You: kevin, SunshineSue
SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:32333
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#326168 4 months, 3 weeks ago
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1526

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#331738 3 months, 2 weeks ago
An old Pilot sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Newports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
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