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lightchaser
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Posts:1456

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#252955 1 year, 5 months ago
A man comes home one day to find his wife standing in front of an old ornate mirror hanging on the closet door. "Where did you get that piece of junk?" he asks. "I got this at a yard sale; it's a magic mirror" she replies. "Magic mirror my ass, how much did you pay for that piece of junk?" he asks. "Don't worry Honey" she says, check this out: "mirror, mirror on the door, make my bust size a 44". Next thing you know there is a flash and a cloud of smoke and lo and behold ,she's sporting a set of double D 44's. "Holy Crap baby! you ain't kidding, it IS a Magic Mirror!!! Encouraged , he decides to give it a go. "Mirror, mirror on the door, make this thing of mine reach the floor". There is a flash and a cloud of smoke and lo and behold, his legs are 2 inches long...
Thank You Cody, we are forever Grateful!
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funky420
Platinum Boarder
Posts:3277
If you stumble, make it part of the dance.

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#254606 1 year, 4 months ago
What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermits' finger!
The voices tell me what to say
The following user(s) said Thank You: Wundurland
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#255218 1 year, 4 months ago
Why Math is Taught in School...(Written By A Very Wise Man)
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
Man, that guy is stupid, I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's
why:
>
> I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
>
> That's 96 miles each day.
> Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
>
> Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
>
> There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
>
> That works out to be 982 cars every mile or 31,424 cars.
>
> Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I
> figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
>
> That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass
> every day.
>
> Statistically, females drive half of these.
>
> That's 18,000 women drivers!
>
> In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
> That's 642.
>
> According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
> dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
>
> According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
>females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
> That's 98.
>
> And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
>
> According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females
>carry weapons and this number is increasing.
>
> That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
>female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
> seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
>
> Give one of them the finger?
>
> I don't think so.
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#255223 1 year, 4 months ago
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello.”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models.
I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing …..the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000.
They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later!I love you so much!!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..
Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#255227 1 year, 4 months ago
As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy. 11, a blonde

catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and

knocks on the door.


The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather,

and you are losing some of your load!"


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck

stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out

of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers

the window.


As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is

Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down

the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All

out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on

the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi,

my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next

light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and

runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers

it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the

fucking salt truck."
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
The following user(s) said Thank You: funky420, scar1et_f1re
SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:31688
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#255819 1 year, 4 months ago
The following user(s) said Thank You: scar1et_f1re
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#285914 11 months, 3 weeks ago
The body of man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female mortician (who was an attractive blonde) asks the deceased's wife if she wanted her husband dressed in the black suit for the funeral.

The widow says that her husband aleays looked best in blue, so she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The widow returns the next day for the funeral service. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, you did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician, instead of presenting a bill for the suit, returns the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#304166 7 months, 3 weeks ago
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories
on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead,
I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic
and searched, and down into the basement.

Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted
that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be
alive.
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
The following user(s) said Thank You: SunshineSue
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#304168 7 months, 3 weeks ago
Subject: The Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic? "
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
The following user(s) said Thank You: kevin
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1488

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#304169 7 months, 3 weeks ago
An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Sam always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking
proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife," Notice
anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT
NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today,
it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S
HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a
hat."
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
The following user(s) said Thank You: kevin
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