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Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?#238331 1 year agoThe Queen Mother, George W. Bush, a Priest, and a child are passengers aboard a plane that is losing altitude. There are only three parachutes. The QM says, "For England." Slips on a parachute and jumps out. W grabs a pack, says, "I'm the smartest man in the world . . ." and jumps. The priest says , "You have many years of life ahead, you take the last chute." The child responds, "Well, the smartest man in the world grabbed my backpack."I Am You, As You Are Me, As We Are One, and We Are All Together.
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?#241520 1 year agoAn older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to
last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was
concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last
during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't
it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck
over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew
closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not
wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut
and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck
rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.The voices tell me what to say
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?#241724 1 year ago
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you , Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?''
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!. And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'You missed the fuckin' putt didn't you?"
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?#241759 1 year agoAn elderly couple reminisces over coffee at a diner. The husband asks his wife, "Do you remember where we first had sex over fifty years ago?" His wife replies, "Why yes! You took me against the fence behind the old barn." The elderly man excited by the distant memory suggests that they recreate that moment, and his wife exclaims, "you old devil! Let's do it" With that they leave, walker and cane in hand. A police officer who had been sitting in the next booth, overheard their conversation and decided to follow the couple to make sure they were ok. Sure enough the officer sees the couple behind the old barn. They eventually disrobe and get into position against the fence. To the police officer's astonishment, they break into wild and incredibly intense sex, both of them moaning and screaming and eventually dropping to the ground. After a few minutes the couple struggled to their feet again, got dressed then slowly passed him. The officer was so impressed, he asked, "what is your secret?? That was the most incredible sex I have ever seen. You two must have had an incredible sex life!" The old man, shaking, and barely able to speak, says, "Fifty years ago, that fence wasn't electric.."Someday, everything's gonna be diff'rent... when I paint my masterpiece