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SugarMee
Expert Boarder
Posts:736
hay

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#230539 1 year, 7 months ago
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey,"hey! what are you doing?" the monkey says,"smoking a joint, come up and have some." so the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree and ditty bops on to the river. He leans over the river but he's so stoned that he falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to help him to the side,then asks "what's the matter with you?" the lizard explains what he and the monkey did. The crocodile says he's gotta go check out this hippie monkey and walks off into the jungle where he finds the monkey still sitting and toking on the joint. He looks up and says "hey you!" The monkey looks down and says

ffuuucccckkk............ dude how much water did you drink?
Last Edit: 1 year, 7 months ago by SugarMee. Reason: Las Whoopsies
The following user(s) said Thank You: SunshineSue
SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:31312
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#230748 1 year, 7 months ago
The following user(s) said Thank You: nycdave, AcidTestGraduate
captaintony
Platinum Boarder
Posts:3691

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#230811 1 year, 7 months ago
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
AcidTestGraduate
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1533

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#231416 1 year, 6 months ago
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gvanman
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1527

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#231439 1 year, 6 months ago
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
Little Bear
Gold Boarder
Posts:1079
...they probably take care of themselves

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#232597 1 year, 6 months ago
There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.

Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"

To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."

Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"

"No, but it stops me from licking them!"
~God bless the Hampton Inn~ ~And You~
SugarMee
Expert Boarder
Posts:736
hay

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#232625 1 year, 6 months ago
There's 3 types of people in the world.
Those who are good at math, and those who aren't.
SugarMee
Expert Boarder
Posts:736
hay

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#232674 1 year, 6 months ago
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LBDowling
Expert Boarder
Posts:660
We must become ourselves before someone else does

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#238227 1 year, 6 months ago
Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda-pressing.


What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller


Sorry.
Someday, everything's gonna be diff'rent... when I paint my masterpiece
The following user(s) said Thank You: SunshineSue
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1453

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#238239 1 year, 6 months ago
At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Silverstein, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"


The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him."
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
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