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jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1432

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#215973 1 year, 8 months ago
If you're gonna bump this thread, you should do it with a joke, even if it's a bad one.

John and Roberta were touring their brand new house.
It was a house that Roberta had paid for with her money, a fact of which she
constantly reminded John. In each room of the house she said to her husband: "John,
if it were not for my money, we would not be here."

John didn't say a word.

That afternoon a truck delivered a load of new furniture...furniture which Roberta paid for with her money. After the furniture was in its place, they toured the house again.
As they observed each room, beautifully appointed and magnificently decorated, Roberta reminded her husband: "John, if it were not for my money, this furniture would not be here."

Again, John was silent.

Late in the afternoon another truck came with a special piece of furniture which was to be the focal point of the family room. It was a combination stereo-television-computer center all wrapped into one gorgeous piece of furniture. Roberta paid for it with her money. When it was in place, Roberta again said: "John, if it were not for my money, that beautiful electronics system would not be here."

Finally, John spoke:

"Honey, I don't want to make you feel bad, but...
if it were not for your money, I wouldn't be here either!
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1432

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#215987 1 year, 8 months ago
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.



Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.



Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.



"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"



"Well, I've been here since last night.

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.





She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......



On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.



And then she said, "Do whatever you want."



So, Here I am!
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
The following user(s) said Thank You: AcidTestGraduate
lightchaser
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1436

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#216464 1 year, 8 months ago
A doctor,a lawyer and an engineer are having a drink after a round of golf one day, discussing the benefits of having a wife and a mistress.

The doctor says "No matter what time of the day or night I call my mistress, she is always glad to see me and treats me like a king"

The lawyer says "My wife and I get along so much better when I'm not always bugging her to have sex."

The engineer says "When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my mistress. When I'm not with my mistress, she thinks I'm with my wife. That way they both leave me alone and I can go to the office and get some work done.
Thank You Cody, we are forever Grateful!
lightchaser
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1436

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#216469 1 year, 8 months ago
Little Debbie comes home from school one day and shows her mom a dollar bill. "Where did you get that" her mom asks. "The boys at school dared me to climb up the flagpole, and I told them I would for a dollar".
"Now Debbie you shouldn't do that" her mom replies, "they just want to see your underpants"

The next day , Debbie comes home and again shows her mom a dollar. "Now Debbie, I told you not to do that, they just want to see your underpants".

"That's okay mom, I fooled them! I didn't wear any.
Thank You Cody, we are forever Grateful!
The following user(s) said Thank You: Little Bear, AcidTestGraduate
funky420
Platinum Boarder
Posts:3274
If you stumble, make it part of the dance.

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#217920 1 year, 8 months ago
facebook_1183553080.jpg
The voices tell me what to say
The following user(s) said Thank You: Little Bear, SunshineSue, AcidTestGraduate
scar1et_f1re
Platinum Boarder
Posts:4900
R U Kind?

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#221701 1 year, 7 months ago
Q. What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
A. Kids don't eat broccoli.
FFF! Family is Forever!!!

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
The following user(s) said Thank You: funky420
neverstop66
Platinum Boarder
Posts:2730

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#221734 1 year, 7 months ago
Did you hear about the gay bank robber?

He tied up the safe and blew the guard.
Last Edit: 1 year, 7 months ago by neverstop66.
SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:31017
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#230495 1 year, 6 months ago
nycdave
Platinum Boarder
Posts:5329

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#230522 1 year, 6 months ago
An elderly married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
The following user(s) said Thank You: Little Bear
Little Bear
Gold Boarder
Posts:1079
...they probably take care of themselves

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#230530 1 year, 6 months ago
13) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine

3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh

4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett

5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." – Chris Turner

6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine

7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold

"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis

9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders

10) "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar
~God bless the Hampton Inn~ ~And You~
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