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DancinBear
Junior Boarder
Posts:270

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#188879 1 year, 11 months ago
What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS?

Answer....a moody bitch who will find you.
scar1et_f1re
Platinum Boarder
Posts:4900
R U Kind?

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#191026 1 year, 10 months ago
A spambot takes over the furthur board. Wait...that is not funny
FFF! Family is Forever!!!

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1432

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#191042 1 year, 10 months ago
One day in the future, Barack Obama dies + he immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.


In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing.



Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.



Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said............





"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
The following user(s) said Thank You: Little Bear, scar1et_f1re
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1432

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#191046 1 year, 10 months ago
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient!
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him.
I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1432

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#191048 1 year, 10 months ago
Two Newfoundland fishermen, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite
>bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know,
>I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think
>I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."
>
>Bob agrees that it's a good idea, and the two leave.
>
>The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
>Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English,
>History, and Logic.
>
>"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
>
>The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a lawn mower?"
>
>"Yeah."
>"Then logically speaking, because you own a lawn mower, I think that you
>would have a yard."
>
>"That's true, I do have a yard."
>"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think
>logically that you would have a house."
>"Yes, I do have a house"
>
>"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
>family."
>"I have a family."
>
>"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
>have a wife."
>Yes, I do have a wife."
>
>"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a
>heterosexual."
>
>"I am a heterosexual.
>
>That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a
>lawn mower." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand
>and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes,
>how he is signed up for Math,
>
>English, History, and Logic.
>
>
>
>"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
>Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a lawn mower?"
>
>"No."
>
>
>
>"Then you're a queer.
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1432

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#191049 1 year, 10 months ago
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent Monastery. You are welcome here
as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest
said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may
speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "we will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, the Priest called Sister Mary Katherine in. "You may
say another two words."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the
food would be better in the future.

On her fifteenth anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called
Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest. "You've done nothing but bitch since
you got here."
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1432

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#191051 1 year, 10 months ago
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women:

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favoured over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1432

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#191052 1 year, 10 months ago
> John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
> of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him top prize at
> the pub for the best toast of the night!
>
>
> He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
> toast of the night". She said "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
> toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in
> church beside me wife." "Oh, that is nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
>
>
> The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
> street corner. The man chuckles leeringly and said, "John won the
> prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She
> said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
> he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
> asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
> come."
>
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
The following user(s) said Thank You: Little Bear
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1432

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#191053 1 year, 10 months ago
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1432

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#191055 1 year, 10 months ago
John was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
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