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neverstop66
Platinum Boarder
Posts:2730

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#103449 2 years, 7 months ago
Why is Santa different than Tiger Woods?


Santa stopped at three ho's.
The following user(s) said Thank You: scar1et_f1re
lightchaser
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1435

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#103490 2 years, 7 months ago
I think my girlfriend was trying to tell me something when she told me this one:

What do you call the useless flap of skin on the end of a penis ?

A man
Thank You Cody, we are forever Grateful!
will work for doses
Senior Boarder
Posts:539
I am Lobar speaking to you from the future

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#103515 2 years, 7 months ago
[quote="SunshineSue" post=103446]DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER (or, why I refuse to live in the Upper Peninsula)


Hey Sue, after reading your joke I just checked the weather for Marquette. I gather they didn't have any snow for Christmas this year. Then I checked to see what's happening at Porcupine Mtn and Indianhead, and Porcupine hasn't opened yet, but Indianhead has because they've been making snow. So the guy in your joke can stop taking the pills!
Remember the Christmas of '82? Drove to Grandma's house with the windows down listening to Ace.....good times.
will work for doses
Senior Boarder
Posts:539
I am Lobar speaking to you from the future

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#103516 2 years, 7 months ago
A preacher decides to skip Sunday service and go bear hunting. He spots a bear, takes aim, and misses twice. The bear immediately takes chase of the preacher who realizes he has no time to reload. So the preacher is running, and falls, spraining his ankle. The bear is coming up on him, when the preacher starts praying: "dear Lord, please let this bear have Christian tendencies and show me mercy". Now the bear is over the preacher, stands of its rear legs, and folds its front paws, as if to pray and says "dear Lord thank you for this food I'm about to receive"
icecremekid
Junior Boarder
Posts:67

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#103910 2 years, 7 months ago
What did one snowman say to the other snowman???


Can you smell carrot?
scar1et_f1re
Platinum Boarder
Posts:4900
R U Kind?

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#103990 2 years, 7 months ago
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?


Nacho Cheese.

--

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?


Does this taste funny to you?

--
From George Carlin

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?
I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
FFF! Family is Forever!!!

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:30836
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104144 2 years, 6 months ago
REPORT ON RECENT UCLA CLINICAL STUDY RESULTS:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.
83msg1sttyme
Platinum Boarder
Posts:5732

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104148 2 years, 6 months ago
SunshineSue wrote:
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER (or, why I refuse to live in the Upper Peninsula)

December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.

The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
thank you i laughed so hard it hurt and my eayes are tearingso true if you live in the snow belt and i sure as hell do
If i told ya all that went down,it would burn off both your ears
The following user(s) said Thank You: SunshineSue
Terrapin Sedation
Platinum Boarder
Posts:2676
Let your life proceed by its own design

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104164 2 years, 6 months ago
You know the bear that ate the priest in the joke above?

Same bear awakes after hibernating all winter and he's got to take a mean growler.

He finds his favorite log and takes a squat.

Squating next to him is a cute, little, white, fuzzy bunny.

The bears says to the cute, little, white fuzzy bunny: "Hey, Mr. Bunny. Does shit stick to your fur?"

The cute, little, white, fuzzy bunny says: "No, Mr. Bear. Shit doesn't stick to my fur."

"Good," says the bear as he picks up the cute, little, white, fuzzy bunny and wipes his ass.
Last Edit: 2 years, 6 months ago by Terrapin Sedation.
captaintony
Platinum Boarder
Posts:3691

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#104276 2 years, 6 months ago
A duck walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll be?" The duck doesn't say anything cause he's a duck.
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