I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. My doctor told me to quit going to those two places

<ok, hold your boo's - that's an old Henny Youngman joke>

--

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

---

A mama mole, papa mole and baby mole lived outside of a farmhouse in the country. One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said "mmmmmmm, I smell sausage!". The mama mole poked her head outside of the hole and said "mmmm, I smell pancakes!". The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get passed the two bigger moles. Finally, giving up, he said "the only thing I can smell is molasses"

 


 


 
  ELDERLY ROAD TRIP. . .  
  
While on a road trip, an elderly couple from Gingerwoods Place Retirement  
 Center - stopped at a roadside restaurant for  lunch.
 
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and  resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman, unknowingly left her glasses on the 
Table, and she didn't miss them until they had been  driving  about forty minutes.
 
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a  
Distance  before they could find a place to turn around in
Order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
 
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
 
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
 
The  more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
 
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of  
 the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her Glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
 
       'While  you're in there, you might as well  get my hat and the credit card.'
 

THE HUMAN BODY

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

.

Poor Kim Jong, I didn't even know he was ill

whats the diference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are 2.99 deer nuts are under a buck.

(from my 10 yr old)

What's the difference between drunks, + alcoholics?

- Drunks don't go to AA-

Here's one I heard on Dead lot..

A father asks his son, "Do you want to know the difference between potentiality and reality? Go ask your mother, sister, and your brother if they would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and come back and see if you figured it out."

The son goes to his mother and asks, "Mom, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?" Mom, replies, "Well, it would be a lot of money for the family, and it is Brad Pitt! Yes, I would."

The son goes and asks his sister, "Sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" His sister replies, "A million to sleep with Brad Pitt? He's super sexy! Hell yeah, I'd sleep with him for a million dollars!"

He then goes and asks his brother, "Hey bro, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" Brother thinks for a minute, and says, "Well, I am not gay or anything, but for a million dollars, and it is Brad Pitt. I suppose, I would!"

The son goes back to his father and his father asks, "So, did you figure out the difference between potentiality and reality?"

Son says, "Yeah! Potentially we have 3 million dollars, but in reality, we have two whores and a queer!"

Keep in mind this was told by a 90-year-old woman to my wife, who passed it on to me.

An elderly man, in his 80s shuffled by a building where he saw a sign on the window that said 'Cash for sperm donations.'

Thinking he could use a few extra dollars he went in to apply.

The doctor was skeptical but said, 'If you can get it up, we'll take it.'

He handed the old geezer a jar and directed him to a private room equipped with magazines.

For the longest time the old guy didn't return.

Finally, he shuffled back into the room holding the empty jar with a sad look on his face.

'Well, Doc,' he said. "I tried with my right hand. I tried with my left hand. Then I tried with both hands.....

But I still couldn't get the lid off the fucking jar."

How do you know when a hippie chick is on her period? She is only wearin one sock.. Now how do ya know when a hippie chick is off said period? She got flies buzzin 'round one foot

(Told to me by a Beautiful Hippie chick)

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER (or, why I refuse to live in the Upper Peninsula)

December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.

The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?